Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Head or Heart

So it has been a few weeks since my last post, and I find myself in pretty much the same position and trying to understand what I am going to do work wise. Nothing has really changed; I have moments where my glass is still half full and other times where half empty is an understatement!

I have been working in the field of climate change for the last decade and where my heart still lies. The issue has always been a distinct lack of leadership, and with the recent flooding; the environment is back on the agenda. Understanding what role I should be playing is where I find myself right now and in doing so have been struggling with the fiasco of following ‘head’ or ‘heart’.

My head says, ‘you have responsibilities my friend; a family to support, a mortgage to pay, a car to run etc. What ensues is looking at jobs that are well paid, in my sector, but invariably are in the cities.

The impact might well be job satisfaction, and one would hope financial stability but it comes at a cost, namely; being away from my family during the week and the inevitable stress than brings.

My heart says similar things, but is much more interested in me finding a job locally that allows me to do all of the above and remain a conscious, present father who can watch my kids grow up and be part of the family rather than some misnomer that rocks up every weekend thinking he owns the place!

Frome (Somerset) was voted the 4th best place in the country to live by the Guardian recently, (F%^K knows how), but it is a creative hub, and for whatever reason does seem to be the epi-centre of the universe as we know it!

I have spent the last month following my heart and in the process exhausted every contact I know within a 20 mile radius of Frome and without success. It has not been through lack of trying and therefore I beg the question of whether it is meant to be right now?

The reality is that ‘trusting the process’ is becoming that much more challenging as my options diminish, and although I am a firm believer in following my heart, I am challenging the space as I know it. On saying that I came across the following quote by Simran Khurana and loved it!

If you think with your head, a heart is just an organ that pumps blood. But if you think with your heart, you know that a heart is the core of human existence. A heart feels, emotes, and expresses. With a heart you can perceive, understand, and judge.

Maybe I really do just need to follow my heart and trust in the process!

Monday, February 3, 2014

Right Hook

We never know what surprises are round the corner and a couple of weeks ago I was told by the organisation I worked for, that they had completely run out of money, and my position was untenable.  It was a mighty ‘right hook’ and totally pulled the rug under my feet. Now the reality is I disliked my job, the commute and the salary, but that does not warrant the lack of warning I received, and in turn the lack of security I now have. I mean I only have four kids and a fat mortgage to worry about!

So the issue here is what am I going to do about it? Right now, I haven’t got a fucking clue, but tomorrow I probably will. I have the best part of 3 weeks to turn this around and if I don’t find a descent job, I will turn my hand to painting and decorating which has always got me out of a pickle in the past.

This is a universal dilemma when we receive bad news. It doesn’t matter if you have; split from a loved one, developed a critical illness or lost a job. There are only two responses possible and either your glass is half full or it’s half empty. Or put another way, you either rise to the challenge and remain positive or fall into being a victim. The reality is that most of us find ourselves somewhere between the two, which is where I find myself right now. Slightly of the schizophrenic variety, where one moment I am in middle of a mid-life opportunity and the sun is shining or get me an hour later and I am firmly having a mid life crisis and have reverted to a puddle on the floor!

I don’t need to go into detail of my strategy (unless someone out there has a cracking job for me :), but what I know is that not drinking has played a fundamental part in which of the two camps I spend the majority of my time. It would be much easier for me to go home tonight and crack open a beer, run for the hills and escape from the realities I am dealing with. Choosing not to enables me to go home and face the music, which in a nutshell is one of feeling incredibly vulnerable and insecure.

If life is a lesson in itself, then feeling into that pain is where I am going to find the treasure and although easier said than done there is an old adage that states ‘out of chaos, magic happens!‘ – I just wish it would hurry up J

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

commit and let providence follow

And he is back….. OK it's the 14th of Jan and not the 1st but it's a start!

Why am I finding this blog so difficult? Probably something around being a Virgo and everything has to be so f&^%$ing perfect all the time. Maybe it’s just a simple commitment issue, or perhaps a combination of the two. But the pattern is familiar, with the net result being I have so many great ideas, which never get completed.

So my new years resolution is not to give a damn what people think, commit and just see what happens. Take a risk!

So I had a sober Christmas and New Year, which was odd to say the least, but it allowed me to take stock of how I was really feeling. New Years eve, Zoe went out and I ended up baby-sitting.

Without wanting to sound like some kind of martyr, it was out of choice, but I did what I wanted and it felt good. I spent the evening visualising how I wanted 2014 to be, acknowledged how great I felt to have given up drinking and at midnight did a meditation. 

I must admit I did pat myself on the back a couple of times, but the message here is that by following my heart, and actually doing what I wanted, (rather than what other people might expect,) I had the perfect evening.

And that after all is why I am writing the blog, to capture those subtle changes and in doing so change the rhetoric that has kept me down the rabbit hole for too long. Its also an opportunity to test that old age adage of ‘commit and let providence follow! Or put a slightly more eloquent way,

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness, concerning all acts of initiative [and creation]. There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. 

A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream, you can begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.

Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe/ Sir Edmund Hillary

Happy New Year Groovers!