Head or Heart

So it has been a few weeks since my last post, and I find myself in pretty much the same position and trying to understand what I am going to do work wise. Nothing has really changed; I have moments where my glass is still half full and other times where half empty is an understatement!

I have been working in the field of climate change for the last decade and where my heart still lies. The issue has always been a distinct lack of leadership, and with the recent flooding; the environment is back on the agenda. Understanding what role I should be playing is where I find myself right now and in doing so have been struggling with the fiasco of following ‘head’ or ‘heart’.

My head says, ‘you have responsibilities my friend; a family to support, a mortgage to pay, a car to run etc. What ensues is looking at jobs that are well paid, in my sector, but invariably are in the cities.

The impact might well be job satisfaction, and one would hope financial stability but it comes at a cost, namely; being away from my family during the week and the inevitable stress than brings.

My heart says similar things, but is much more interested in me finding a job locally that allows me to do all of the above and remain a conscious, present father who can watch my kids grow up and be part of the family rather than some misnomer that rocks up every weekend thinking he owns the place!

Frome (Somerset) was voted the 4^th best place in the country to live by the Guardian recently, (F%^K knows how), but it is a creative hub, and for whatever reason does seem to be the epi-centre of the universe as we know it!

I have spent the last month following my heart and in the process exhausted every contact I know within a 20 mile radius of Frome and without success. It has not been through lack of trying and therefore I beg the question of whether it is meant to be right now?

The reality is that ‘trusting the process’ is becoming that much more challenging as my options diminish, and although I am a firm believer in following my heart, I am challenging the space as I know it. On saying that I came across the following quote by Simran Khurana and loved it!

If you think with your head, a heart is just an organ that pumps blood. But if you think with your heart, you know that a heart is the core of human existence. A heart feels, emotes, and expresses. With a heart you can perceive, understand, and judge.

Maybe I really do just need to follow my heart and trust in the process!

Right Hook

We never know what surprises are round the corner and a couple of weeks ago I was told by the organisation I worked for, that they had completely run out of money, and my position was untenable.  It was a mighty ‘right hook’ and totally pulled the rug under my feet. Now the reality is I disliked my job, the commute and the salary, but that does not warrant the lack of warning I received, and in turn the lack of security I now have. I mean I only have four kids and a fat mortgage to worry about!

So the issue here is what am I going to do about it? Right now, I haven’t got a fucking clue, but tomorrow I probably will. I have the best part of 3 weeks to turn this around and if I don’t find a descent job, I will turn my hand to painting and decorating which has always got me out of a pickle in the past.

This is a universal dilemma when we receive bad news. It doesn’t matter if you have; split from a loved one, developed a critical illness or lost a job. There are only two responses possible and either your glass is half full or it’s half empty. Or put another way, you either rise to the challenge and remain positive or fall into being a victim. The reality is that most of us find ourselves somewhere between the two, which is where I find myself right now. Slightly of the schizophrenic variety, where one moment I am in middle of a mid-life opportunity and the sun is shining or get me an hour later and I am firmly having a mid life crisis and have reverted to a puddle on the floor!

I don’t need to go into detail of my strategy (unless someone out there has a cracking job for me :), but what I know is that not drinking has played a fundamental part in which of the two camps I spend the majority of my time. It would be much easier for me to go home tonight and crack open a beer, run for the hills and escape from the realities I am dealing with. Choosing not to enables me to go home and face the music, which in a nutshell is one of feeling incredibly vulnerable and insecure.

If life is a lesson in itself, then feeling into that pain is where I am going to find the treasure and although easier said than done there is an old adage that states ‘out of chaos, magic happens!‘ – I just wish it would hurry up J